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Madeleine Gavin

The following articles have been printed with the permission of Madeleine Gavin, M.Ed. who has been a middle school counselor at Rossville Middle School and then Signal Mountain Middle School for the past eleven years.

The Middle Ages - You Want to be a What???

About your Child: Bullying

The Middle Ages- A Guide to Grade Six and Up

With more than a decade as a middle school counselor, I still don't consider myself an expert on the preteen years. But I do see a need for timely information as a means of easing the often scary transition from elementary to middle school. Thus, along with experience in the middle school environment and the mostly ups and few downs of raising four now grown children of my own, I put fingers to keyboard to share some thoughts on the middle school experience. In this first column, I will explore the world of the new middle schooler and offer a few tips to help ease the transition.

Beginning middle school is an important, new adventure that is exciting and scary for both sixth graders and parents. Parents and the incoming students may hear stories about how difficult it is, how much fun, competitive, busy, awesome. What is sixth grade really like?

Parents, think back to your own sixth grade year. Many of us went through sixth grade before there were middle schools. We were the oldest in our grammar schools. We were treated more like children than today's sixth grader. Did we have lockers, change classes, have much homework? Did we play competitive sports with other schools, have dances, carry backpacks that weighed more than we did? My memories of sixth grade include being captain of the junior police, wearing a white Sam Brown belt and helping younger kids cross the street. How things have changed!

Today, by the time your child enters middle school, you may have already noticed significant physical and emotional changes. Children go through hormonal changes earlier than they did years ago. For example, instead of the onset of menarche at about twelve years, the average age is now around ten and eleven; better nutrition may have something to do with this. And boy, do hormones contribute to mood instability during these preteen years, although the mood swings settle down after about thirteen. Changes in personality that parents notice are part and parcel of changes that come with puberty, and they continue into the early 20s. (Just when you thought it was safe to get along with your post-adolescent).

Among other changes that take place in the preteen are a fluctuating appetite, greater interest in clothing and appearance, high energy and high spirits, and a desire to excel in sports and recreational skills. And that is just the physical aspect! Kids of this age are also increasingly self-conscious and much more influenced by peers. They are critical of parents (Ouch!) and very aware of the opposite sex (Normal, but an "oh, dear" for Mom and Dad).

Safety and nutrition are just as important during these years as they were for infants and toddlers. During adolescence, a child's body grows and develops faster than at any other time with the exception of the first year of life. Against all their protests, we need to limit junk food and fast food meals. As difficult as it may be to get them to bed, enough sleep at night is critical to the success of their days. And breakfast is a must.

Ok, you say, that is all good information, but what will sixth grade really be like, and will my child survive without too much trauma? With these questions in mind, I offer the following tips to help smooth the way to a hassle free beginning and ongoing experience in middle school.

Tip #1 Get a Sneak Preview.
Before your child starts school, take advantage of opportunities to visit the school and ask any questions you have. Sit in on a class. Attend a sports event. Tour the school with your child. Most schools have an open door policy and welcome your interest.

Tip #2 Get Organized.
Organizational skills are hugely important in middle school. Students deal with an average of six different teachers per day, with homework assigned in most of their academic subjects on a nightly basis. Keeping up with assignments, long-term projects, homework to be turned in, and extracurricular activities common in middle school demands the ability to organize and prioritize. It's not difficult for kids to become overwhelmed and then discouraged once they get behind. Parents, help your child develop a system to keep up with assignments, papers, books, school supplies and due dates for projects. Post a calendar in an easy-to-see, convenient place and USE it. Experiment and see what works best for your family.

Tip #3 Get Involved.
Middle School offers many activities. Sports and clubs are wonderful opportunities through which your child can make new friends, learn new skills and get involved. Band, outdoor club, even an after-school study hall - all help make your child feel part of a new school. PTA is a great way for parents to be involved and also to keep tabs on what's happening. (Sometimes our kids are not as communicative as we would like them to be!)

Tip #4 Check Out the Teachers.
Part of the learning experience in sixth grade is the process of learning to "scope-out" the teachers. By that I mean that students must learn to listen for and understand each teacher's consistent expectations - the specific things that are on a teacher's "A" list. This skill will serve well throughout the school experience, on into high school and college. Since each teacher is different and has different requirements, having a total of six or seven teachers makes this a challenging process in the early part of a new school year. Efforts in this area will go a long way toward bringing home a good report card. And don't forget to encourage your child to clarify any misunderstandings. Another valuable life skill!

Tip #5 Arrange a Homework Area.
At home, set up a quiet, comfortable work area and resist the urge to do homework FOR your child. Confine your involvement to being available to check homework, help study for quizzes or tests, and help your child get organized. If your child doesn't understand something about an assignment, he/she needs to ask the teacher. Even at this young age, some children are confirmed 'A' types and put a great deal of pressure on themselves. Parents of these children will often say that their child has too much homework, but the child may be doing more work than is required. Balance between work and rest is important, as we know. In cases where children are working past a reasonable hour, parents need to set a bedtime and enforce it.

Tip #6 Get Help When You Need It.
There are lots of people at school who can help if your child needs advice or assistance. Encourage them to ask questions of a teacher, the counselor, a coach or even the principal. Parents, if you have concerns, you can always call the guidance office and set up a parent teacher meeting. Remember, you are your child's best advocate and the one who knows them better than anyone else. Teachers want to meet parents, and they can offer valuable insights. Together parents and teachers can make a plan to best help the student.

Tip #7 Allow Mistakes.
Don't deny your child the opportunity to learn through mistakes. Of course, no parent wants to see a beloved child suffer consequences. But we all need to remember that parents who rush in to "fix" every little thing that goes wrong in a child's life do that child no favors. Kids need to feel that they can solve their own problems. Learning from mistakes can be the only way to learn some lessons. Of course, certain situations will always warrant parental intervention, but don't be too hasty to jump in at the first sign of distress. Remember, you will probably not be going to college/a job with your child, and children need to develop their own problem-solving skills.

Although there are, no doubt, many more tips that could be listed here, these are good beginners. With some planning, preparation and on-site investigation, transition to middle school (while maybe not a piece of cake) should be a positive experience. Common sense, encouragement over the rough spots, and a sense of humor are great parental antidotes for the nervous novice.

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The Middle Ages - You Want to be a What???

When I was in the fourth grade, living in Northern New Jersey, my class took a field trip to LaGuardia Airport. I had never flown, and our trip did not include actually being airborne, but I decided then and there that I wanted to be a stewardess. I held on to that dream until college, when I went for an interview with an airline. I learned that not only was there a height restriction, but vision had to be 20/20 uncorrected! Two strikes you're out ended my dream of flying -- at least as a career.

Choosing lifework based on a fourth grade adventure is obviously not the optimum way to decide one's vocation. Although some people know from a young age the direction their future will take, most of us are undecided into high school and college. Some adults I know are still wondering. Job choices are made in many ways. Those who have a passion, and follow that passion to a satisfying lifelong career commitment are the lucky ones.

What about the rest of us who don't have that passion? How can we encourage our youngsters to choose wisely when deciding on a life's work? To begin to answer those questions, let's briefly look at career development theory. Yes, there really are theories on how and why people choose careers.

How and Why

Theories on career development fall into two types. The first type deals with individual characteristics and occupational tasks. In the Structural Theory, career choice depends on accurate self-knowledge, thorough knowledge of job specifications and then finding the right match.

The best known of these, Holland's Theory of Personality, suggests that people do best at jobs that are compatible with their personalities. For example, extroverts fare better in socially oriented work, such as sales. Introverts would probably not be happy politicians, but might do well in fields such as accounting or research. Think Chevy Chase as a librarian, or Mother Teresa as a fashion designer.

The Developmental Theory is the second type, and focuses on development across life span. It recognizes changes that people go through as they mature with career patterns determined by socioeconomic factors, opportunities, abilities and personal characteristics.

For instance, a person sees a need for a service and opens a related business; a student receives minimal guidance in school and becomes a counselor (that's me). And how about the young adult who accepts a position with an organization and, after becoming familiar with other positions within the firm, changes career paths. You get the picture. Career maturity, growth through learning, and life events in which decisions are made (educational choices, entry level positions) are all part of the Developmental Theory.

Now that we've gotten through the technical part, let's get back to our kids. In today's world of work, people may have many careers in their lifetimes. Instead of learning a job, students learn sets of skills to take/transfer to a variety of jobs. Gone are the days of the gold watch gift at the end of forty-five years of loyal service. Today's kindergarteners will hold jobs that we've never even heard of. So how do we, as parents, help our kids make solid career choices?

Key Questions

As adults, we know that getting to know yourself is key to finding a rewarding vocation. We can encourage our children to do this by answering self reflective questions such as:

Where do their strengths lie?

Are they good at talking to people, fixing things, sports, writing, math?

With whom or what would they like to work -- people, animals, tools, machinery, environment?

Where would they like to work -- indoors, outside, at a desk, an office, home, hospital, shop?

How do they learn best -- through reading, computer, doing things?

How would they describe themselves -- artistic, helpful, funny, confident, athletic, shy, practical?

What do others say they do well -- family, friend, teachers?

We should also ask them to envision themselves in the future. Where do they see themselves in 5, 10 or 20 years? What other rewards besides money might be important in a job -- creativity, fun, training/advancement opportunities, travel, benefits, power, opportunity to serve? These and other answers will help them to know themselves and what they value.

The next step is looking at a career or a cluster (as it is called) of careers that match personality characteristics and values of the individual. Students should utilize opportunities to take computerized interest inventories as part of the planning/getting to know yourself process. These may be offered in school or accessed on the internet.

Being realistic is important in choosing a career. A student once told me that she wanted to be an airline hostess (I'm not the only one), but in a work preference survey she stated that she did not want to travel as part of a job. Hello…!!

At the middle school level many boys decide that they want to be professional athletes. While there is nothing wrong with having a dream, - the passion thing, again - and I would encourage anyone to "go for it", it is wise to have a backup plan. If sports is a love, find an area, and there are many, involved in sports, but not on the playing field.

There are lots of myths in career choice. The following ideas are incorrect and may lead to undue anxiety or even avoidance. Let's dispel them now.

· Only one career choice is right for me. Most of us can do many things and would be happy at a number of them. Also, we learn and change as we mature.

· I must be an expert in my chosen career. To think this is to avoid doing almost anything. Most jobs have some sort of learning curve, and some take years of training and experience to attain "expert" status.

· Once you make a choice, you're stuck. We have already dispelled this myth. Learning how to choose is the ticket for the many career changes most will have.

· Others should be pleased by my choice of career. This is a good way to make others happy, ourselves miserable.

· Choosing the right career will solve all my problems. Everyone with a career and a real life knows the fallacy of this. Although work gives meaning to life, a career is only one part of a satisfying lifestyle.

To sum up, there is no right or wrong way to make a career choice. We can't choose careers for our children, but we can: 1. Strongly encourage them to take advantage of all educational opportunities, inside and outside of the classroom, and value education, 2. Expose them to a wide a variety of jobs and discuss options, 3. Make sure they learn the soft skills that are so important in the workplace -- courtesy, responsibility, organization, teamwork, problem solving, and decision making. Good preparation is key in taking advantage of career opportunities that come along. Thinking about career direction in Middle School is not too early to begin.

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Bullying

Being the victim of a bully is not fun. Bullying hurts, and continues to hurt, perpetrators, victims and witnesses. Let's take a closer look:

What is Bullying?

Bullying can be defined as repeated and systematic harassment and attacks on others. In a national survey published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 2001, from almost 16,000 students surveyed in grades 6 through 10, 11% reported being bullied, 13% admitted to bullying and 6% reported themselves both target and bully. These numbers were highest among middle school children with almost 25% of sixth graders reporting being frequently bullied and 25% of eighth graders calling themselves bullies.

Most of us can remember being bullied or seeing incidents of bullying as school children. Bullying is an old and prevailing problem. Studies document that bullying goes on in all countries and is far more widespread than teachers or parents realize. Boys are more likely to report being bullies; girls are less likely than boys to be victims of bullying. Boys are much more likely to be bullied by other boys, while girls are bullied by both boys and girls. Boys are more apt to bully by attacks that are physically and/or verbally direct, while girls are more likely to use subtle, social, indirect means to bully other girls. This behavior of girls includes manipulation of friendships, social exclusion and spreading rumors.

Who Bullies and Why

What causes bullying? A number of different considerations, including family, individual and school factors contribute. Contrary to popular belief, bullies are not low in self-esteem. One predictor of a child becoming a bully is how they are raised. Children who lack warmth and attention, witness aggressive behavior at home, and have poor supervision are more likely to become bullies than others with different child rearing patterns. Temperament is a good indicator of the chance to become a bully. Children who are active and impulsive are more likely to become bullies, while a boy whose physical strength exceeds those of most classmates may also stand a better chance of becoming a bully. Supervision and school atmosphere play a major part in the recurrence and severity of school bullying. Lax supervision and a less than warm and accepting social climate at school contribute to increased episodes of bullying, as does lack of respect between teachers and between teachers and students.

Victims

Who are the bully's victims? On the whole, children who become victims of bullies tend to be shy and quiet. These children often lack friends at school, and they are not confident in their physical abilities. Predictably they do not retaliate or make any strong response when first bullied, which causes further bullying. A subgroup of victims, known as "provocative victims", tends to have inappropriate social skills and/or irritating behavior. These children may also bully, and thus be both victim and bully.

Long Term Consequences

A look at the long-term consequences for both bully and victim is sobering. Typically, the victims of bullying are very unhappy youngsters. Beside low self-esteem, they suffer from anxiety and fear. Many victims will try to avoid school and/or social interaction to avoid being bullied. Some victims may become so unhappy that they commit suicide. Victims may also experience psychological harm that, in turn, interferes with their school achievement, emotional and social development. Follow up studies of young adult male victims show that they are more likely to be depressed, with a lower self-esteem than males who were not bullied.

Bullies also suffer long-term consequences. They often grow up to be aggressive adults who stand a higher chance than the average population of having multiple criminal convictions.

Other groups of children who are affected by bullying are those who are not bullies or victims, but see bullying happen to their peers. Some of these children would not initiate bullying themselves, but will help bullies harass a victim when a bully takes the lead. All these children may feel fear and anxiety. Furthermore, the learning environment is impaired, particularly when children perceive no consequences for the bullies.

If Your Child is a Victim

Bullies are very good at covering their actions. Victims are reluctant to tell adults; they may be ashamed, or they may have been threatened by the bullies with retaliation. Teachers and parents often don't realize what is happening until some tell tale signs appear. Some of these may be:

If you believe your child is the victim of a bully, ask some questions, such as:

Depending upon answers to these questions, it may be time to take action. Parents need to be their child's advocate and get involved. Call the bully's parents. Let the teachers know about the bullying and where it is taking place. Good supervision is key as bullying often takes place where students are temporarily unsupervised, such as rest rooms, cafeteria, gym lockers, going to and from school, the back of the bus. A child may not want his parents to intervene, but it is important that they do so. Teachers want to know in order to help both victim and bully.

If Your Child is a Bully

Take the problem seriously. Let your child know that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. Bullies will often try to make light of their actions or deny them altogether. Explain to your child the negative effects of bullying on both victim and bully. Put some consequences in place, but not corporal ones. Cooperate with the school and increase your child's supervision. Turn off violent TV and video games. Praise your child's efforts toward responsible behavior.

What Schools Can Do

Research suggests that intervention can stop bullying by as much as 50%. Good supervision and a safe and supportive school climate go a long way toward eliminating bullying. Immediate and consistent consequences for bullies are important, along with praise for helpful behavior by students who are witnesses. Serious talks with victims, bullies and their parents are a must. A school wide value system whereby someone who silently watches a bully is as guilty as the bully does much to prevent bullying. Involving all kids can have a dramatic impact on reducing bullying.

What about Sexual Harassment?

Some bullying is also sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is against the law, whether involving different-sex or same-sex situations. Sexual harassment can be physical (some examples are grabbing, standing too close, patting, hugging), verbal (insults, threats, sexual jokes, whistles), or nonverbal (sexual pictures, gestures or looks, staring). Effects of sexual harassment may include loss of self-respect, feeling unsafe, lower grades, missing school. Sexual harassment can never be tolerated. Suggested ways to stop sexual harassment include:

Students can help shut down this form of bullying in the same ways as other types of bullying. Explain to your children the power differential that distinguishes flirting from harassment. Encourage them to help each other, to stand up to bullies, and to stand up for victims.

A Final Note

In today's computer age, bullying has taken on a new life through email and instant messaging (IM-ing). Name-calling and spreading rumors are a big part of what some kids spend time doing on computers. Parents need to be aware of what use their children are making of their technical expertise and, if necessary, take steps to curtail it.

Questions, comments, suggestions for additional columns may be addressed to Madeleine Gavin.

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